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Below are the 19 most recent journal entries recorded in reikonyuya's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, June 9th, 2015
12:46 am
Being alone for long periods of time is a bad outlet for me.

I drift into obscurity and led myself to believe that I do not have the skills to pursue what I am capable of or the career I want to be in. The amount of doubt can be so over bearing that I realise there has to be a way to counter that.

Therefore the ideas of starting something in the lines of regular coffee sessions to promote Girl Geek Coffees (GGC)​ and activities for Uni Society. That surrounding myself with people would be a good thing.
Monday, May 25th, 2015
12:50 am
Sigh
Sometimes I question why I made the decisions I did in regards to continuing to study as to why I had even bothered going back knowing the tendency of making the anxiety take over because I can easily get myself influenced by mistakes, regrets I have made and not looking at proactive pathways. In result losing motivation.

At this point in time when my head is telling me I told give up. My credibility has gotten bad because of the quality of work dropping and attendance has been poor,

I hanged on to one topic cause I thought I'll be strong enough, have more time to recover and the group work will get me motivated enough to work with my individual stuff too. I was gravely mistaken.

Sending an email to the topic coordinator in regards to it will not make that much a difference, I know the damage has been done as for next semester maybe deciding not to continue when people question my motivation for self improvement through study and further damage to my reputation or the little that is left over.

If there is one thing that is holding me back to progress it'll be this and nothing else.

Current Mood: anxious
Wednesday, May 13th, 2015
1:52 am
5 years and Nothing much has changed....
It has been 5 years since my last post.
Since then I have finally managed to graduate university last year 2014. It felt good to finally finish something. This was one of the major highlights of my life. After finally completing my degree I have been spending some time looking for work.

However it has not been ideal I wasn't courageous and positive enough to present myself well.
I have been more anxious and depressed about it. As I felt that my grades and commitment have not been good enough.

Therefore I have made an attempted to try masters. I hasn't been an ideal situation. I am more nervous now than I have been before and miserable because the person I want to gain support from haven't really been supportive.

I haven't even shared this to my counsellor yet which I would soon after posting this.

Near the completion of my Bachelor's I realised the following things
1. I do have a tendency to question my ability and get depressed about it.
2.
Saturday, October 23rd, 2010
4:34 am
Kan Ken DS and Kazehaya Shota -_-::::
YEY I I finished 10th part of the Kanken premium DS game by IE Institute I'm so HAPPY I learned 80 Kanji!!!!! I'm so going to work on this till i know enough to be able to read more kanji so I can read ALL my japanese stuff ... I currently own 3 Kan Ken DS games and i'm working on them simultaneously... I somewhat hate My Japanese Coach because the stroke order is blah!!!.

-_-::: nothing beats a good text book..


After this will definitely write on my journal with some Japanese writing and translation work eventually ...

Catching up on Kimi ni Todoke
Kazehaya is soo dense but adorable ^^
Thursday, October 21st, 2010
11:38 pm
KanKen and joysound for Wii
YEY I I finished 10th part of the Kanken premium DS game by IE Institute I'm so HAPPY I learned 80 Kanji!!!!! I'm so going to work on this till i know enough to be able to read more kanji so I can read ALL my japanese stuff ... I currently own 3 Kan Ken DS games and i'm working on them simultaneously... I somewhat hate My Japanese Coach because the stroke order is blah!!!.


After this will definitely write on my journal with some Japanese writing and translation work eventually ...

on other news of my obsessive compulsive self would be..


I wish I have money to buy a Japanese Wii to buy Karaoke Joysound for Wii so I can sing ARASHI songs of course Japanese anime songs too!!!! and so that i can lay my Mario game....
Friday, March 26th, 2010
4:07 am
URGH Sensei to Watashi Minase Ai T^T
T^T I need to stop myself from buying it...

I already went over board with arashi and Birth By sleep and alot of stuff .//

My trip is more important T^T....
Wednesday, March 24th, 2010
12:20 am
Super GOOD ^^
Things to focus on right now would be my trip I can't wait I hope it will turn out all good ^^

16 days til 5X10 DVD yey... need to focus on my driving license then save up...

note to self get camera and take more pictures ^^

I still need to try and lose some weight would be good ..

Buying list would be Corda 3 and C X D X G no Arashi. Letters from Iwo Jima(because it's cheaper to import... follow up on SaiMono,07 ghost, shugo chara, vampire knight, Otomen, Host Club for currently owned mangas

Saiunkoku DVD

Japanese note...
Sunday, March 14th, 2010
5:54 am
Not really that great at all.
This is a post to try to cheer myself up. If there is one thing that is certain if you are feeling really depress you'd create all this kinds of people in your head.... you don't see your friends often and you feel they are not really your friends.... Have the urge to drink alcohol but too chicken to do so because you were at an age where you think experimenting is overrated and you haven't drunk before... You have been keeping it from your hubby that truly loves you (I'm a %$^%&*## moron).... You haven't taking much effort on yourself ... It's sad but true ...

Things that make me depressed:

I ruined my husbands life by marrying early there many things we could have done if we had just remained friends not meeting each other.... until later...

I am finding it hard to change for him.. Shaving I haven't really done it much...

How lazy I am at improving myself ... and studying...

My weight issues that I have to fix by trying to be more active ...




Things that could cheer me up by thinking about it..

how much I love my husband he is very good guy ... I really like him ...

Arashi

Anime and manga that is kinda bouncy..

playing the game I'm currently into...



list of things I want to change in this order.
How I treat my husband .. I want to try harder to show him how much I love him
Self improvement
My weight issues
My teeth
My current clothing line needs updating ...
My hygiene routine ..
My study routine ..
Wednesday, February 24th, 2010
9:54 pm
Urgh
I don't like this whole concept of screwing up at my new work every now and again it sucks ....

Japanese text books are kinda pricey ... I need to finish The ones i Have first. I need to get a decent proficiency ... it would suck if I can't translate ,,,
Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010
12:41 am
BLAH bad mood at the end of the day.
awesome day at the city not so great of a mood at the end of the day so locking myself in different room to bloody study!!! hope I don't have a close on wednesday..
Monday, February 22nd, 2010
9:01 am
Been a Long time since I posted on this thing
So far Busy I'm going to have to deal with a 38hour week at work.

Ordered Arashi's Troublemaker single I can't wait definitely will buy their latest album so I can get to listen for Sora Takaku if it comes out.

So far I'm on a Buying manga and anime ban for now Until after the Holiday ...But I definitely can't wait because I'll be getting HakuYou and Migawari

Hard to keep this Journal up to date ...But will try when I get something new

My Japanese Coach progress Urm This can get annoying because of stroke order errors and such but so far

102 / 10145

Current Mood: busy
Tuesday, November 18th, 2008
10:37 am
work work work ..... very annoying
I'm pretty much annoyed ... with work in general ... I'm not very much appreciated by my restaurant manager .. thus the whole my promotion hasn't happened yet..


but I can't do much about that but try my best to find a better job..

you know they'll never know ... how hard I've been working training people etc..

Current Mood: annoyed
Sunday, November 16th, 2008
2:04 pm
Obession with Neo romance Games
Harukanaru Toki no Naka de has gotten me into an obsession with Neo Romance Games ... Not that i wasn't interested before because of ... la corda... I've read the Manga ...

Out of impulse I Bought

harukanaru Hachishou version and maihitoyo and version 2
Kiniro Corda ... well i want to pick my own flow of the story..
Fushigi Yuugi Suzaku ibun ... Just want to pick my own shichiseishi and try not to kill four of them like stupid miaka ... did ...
I need some guts and start learning jap quickly not that I don't have a problem recognizing hiragana ... and katakana Kanji on the other hand is a pain,,,
and I need to focus on vocabulary I hope things work out well ...

Current Mood: bouncy
Sunday, October 7th, 2007
3:47 am
Formally Engaged
I'm happy being with my fiancee. I love him so but there are times when my feelings clash because I fear if something ever happens to me.. if I screwed up somewhere he will blame himself.. thought I feel that I should be responsible for the things I do..

sometimes I think once I'm back in Australia flying solo is awful ,,, I will be apart from him ...
If the thing I fear does happen I don't know I am too young .. mentally to handle things but I don't want to rely on my parents or him.. but being with my fiancee I feel guilty I don't want to ruin our futures .. I love him so and want to be with him always..

I hope I can work this out..
Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007
4:53 am
My life uselessness when will it end ...
I've decided that It's high time I do something about my life... for me and me alone ...

I fall in love I love this person very much but the feeling like my heart would stop because he can't make up his mind that I can't help but feel like an idiot for even trying to wait, be faithful, give him my precious time ...

I will change myself for the better for him if he likes .. But if he's going out with me for all the wrong reasons why bother ... It'll always leave me feeling hopeless ... last time was torturous for me .. I don't want to go through that again it hurts too much..
I want to be with him T^T I only want him but if I'll have to spend my life knowing he is not satisfied with me .. I don't want to suffer that worry ..

Current Mood: moody
Friday, September 22nd, 2006
12:28 am
I'm so bored T^T
T^T so bored I'd like to sleep but I'm not being moody can cause me to sleep but being too moody can cause me to want to sleep forever...

Argh it's too dark to do needle work T^T

Current Mood: bored
Thursday, September 21st, 2006
7:53 pm
Things to do to keep busy
Actually after this entry I might not go online for week... Maybe because I'm almost always online ...
I want to try doing this with out touching my computer for once but it's never successful... the only time I don't use a computer would be when I'm at work but because of the pay rises I can't do so much shifts...

My plans haven't changed yet drastically but considering that maybe the guy I'm madly in love with plans out to ask another girl closer to him... I guess depends on how it works out I'll concentrate on working on my career now I don't really need to be online much I'll just download long anime series and burn and watch em when I finish studying... but 2 and 1/2 months are a long time period for me to decide on what to do definitely... But I'll definitely would wait for him to make up his mind if he find that I'm the one for him I'll be waiting...

At the moment since I'm not going to school I have to find things that'll make me busy...

But as devastating as it feels it always happen I need to get used to it and I need to prepare for my back up plan my career life I need to move forward and not feel like I'm in suspended mode..

But makes me wish I was I a guy at least there will be justice to what I'm feeling cause I'm raised to think that guys mostly ask the girls out I'd mostly pay for the dates and I would love her so much that I would do anything to make her happy... And maybe I'll have more courage to find someone who'll love me enough to love only me in a romantic way to death do us part thing...

I called the University so I can learn Japanese I have always wanted to go to Japan I guess if former lives exist it makes me wish I was Japanese... It'll be awesome if I enrol...

At the moment I got 1090 I still need 1410...

Current Mood: moody
Wednesday, September 20th, 2006
12:24 am
I'm confused
I'm tired I don't know what to do... the song I'm listening to seem to fit what I'm feeling right now... but I don't know... My feelings have alsways been a mess... I don't know what to think..

I keep on finding myself in spiral of never ending depression thinking of my life ... I want to fix it,,, I don't like feeling this way anti-depressants don't work the best I can do would be trying to keep myself busy..

At work I'm a whole different person.. I'm bubbly friendly so they say funny... but being sad and depress I can get away from it most of the time.. but sometimes when I return to that state I can't stand it...It feels like it is hard to breathe... A state where I feel like I don't want exist is terrible... but this state is has to go I can't I must not lose to myself emotionally because this is what is making me alot more miserable this is not what I want I may want someone to stop me from feeling this way... but it should not be the reason why that someone will be with me because I'll feel even more guilty...

I want the guy I love to stay with me because he wants to be with me that it doesn't matter what we do as long as he is happy just staying by my side... but I don't want him to stay with me because of he doesn't want to see me cry.. I want him to stay with me because he loves me and that he cannot find another girl he will love ever...

Crying there will not be a time where I will not cry people will have to cry sometime in their life it is a fact... After I meet him until then I will keep hoping and would work hard to make things work out between us... I will assure I will become more mature as time pass by..

My goal in life is is to becomke stronger... but to do that I need to make some major changes in my life I can't keep on claiming I will change my life I will start doing it now... no questions ask... I must,,,

current money allowance $ 700 need : at least $1800
with a $250 weekly savings
goal to get the money by mid november

Current Mood: depressed
Tuesday, September 19th, 2006
12:48 am
Things to think about the future..
Currently like my profile said I had placed the guy I fell in love with a high priority for now...
I am saving up money to see him... My family will not be happy to hear about it... or what I plan to do...
But the thing is I am also a person full of morals I have been raised that way... My plans are against those beliefs however I cannot help but want to go against them...

I may feel this way but there is still time I can choose to go against my parents wishes and go visit him or Finish my career for the high moral me does not think it is worth it that my future is so closed to getting ruined if I continue on like this...

But both of me like this guy so much that I can easily feel devastated over little hints of not being able to spend my life with him... But The feeling like I'm the only one trying to make things work is tiring... and a part of me feels it's not worth it because I may lose something more precious... For guy to not do a thing to make things work out or let his true feelings known to the girl he claimed he loves is what my high moral me will consider as someone who does not truly love me when I love this person too much..

I have to be sure no matter how risky because if I feel more depress not knowing what will happen and I feel like if this continue like it is now not being able to let go peacefully of my over proportioned feelings for this guy because I am not sure of our future... a darker more evil me will emerge that instead of wishing him happiness I might wish him something that I will regret... I don't want that to happen no matter how hurt I will be if it doesn't work out I have to be strong...

Even if it means to cause me not to love another in the future because I feel content to have loved just one... besides my family (my parents, sisters) and extended family (my relatives) they need the all the financial support they can get...
No matter what happens to the outcome of my love life I will certainly say this I will definitely will get rid of all distractions in my head blocking my future career path that I will be one of the best in my field of work.

There is one thing that can be sure I will do everything in my power to make things work out in my love life and my career path...

I do not know there is still time to think things through... until then I'll just work for the money that will used for the decision that will have a major effect on my life.

Current Mood: confused
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